Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Ramblings on Motherhood

I must say I have never been one of those women who feels my entire worth is wrapped up in having a child. I know a lot of women like that--like that is their whole mission & goal in life--to have children. I've had lots of "female problems" since I was a teenager--I don't know why--I had a lot of xrays as a young child (ovaries are sensitive to xrays & can be damaged by them), I was once standing in front of microwave that caught on fire when I was 12 (radiation exposure maybe?)--who knows. But I guess from a young age I knew there was a chance I wouldn't be able to have children & I just accepted it. I was really ok with it. I never lost a minute of sleep over it & never felt sad or self pity (though I don't think I've ever felt self-pity over anything in my life!) over it.

I have to admit when I first started dating men that had children it was a bit awkward for me. But I eventually found that it added a whole new dimension to a relationship--a good one. Vacations & things (albeit more expensive) were much more fun with kids.

I've been a step-mother for over 4 years now. It hasn't always been easy, but I do love these kids with all my heart. I have taken my role as step-mother VERY seriously & am always aware of the examples I set before them & always have their best interest at heart. I always try to put myself in their shoes when considering things that will/might affect them. We have really come a long way in 4 years I must say. But I also must add that they've been older & independent for the most part since I married into this family. I've deliberately avoided a real "motherly" role directly with them because I never wanted them to feel that I was trying to replace their own mother & they really didn't need that role anyways. They both have a good relationship with their own mom.

Whenever people have asked me if I did fertility treatments I tell them hubby & I discussed it & decided not to. They always nod & mention how expensive it is. The truth is hubby & I didn't even discuss the financial side of it. Hubby said he would go with whatever I wanted regarding it & I felt very strongly against it--I felt like I'd be forcing something that perhaps wasn't God's Will.

I must say hubby & I were content with our family as it was. And we were thinking in just a couple of years we'd be free to travel on our own & do mission trips & volunteer more at church, etc. So when we discovered I was pregnant we really had mixed feelings. I must admit I did not enjoy being pregnant, it was quite torturous (sp?). And the labor & emergency C-section wasn't any better. And then the first couple of months of motherhood were really, really hard. But for the past month or two things have been getting better. Much, much better. And through it all, no matter how hard it was, I found myself doing what was best for little Joseph, without even having to make that decision. It just comes naturally.

I must say that I am finding that I absolutely love motherhood. I always thought that a part of me would miss my child-free days, but that isn't the case. Yes, on days when I have a ton of errands to run it's very hard to do & I do get frustrated sometimes, but that isn't the same as me longing to be child-less. Some things just have to be done differently now.

None of this is really something I can put into words, but it is quite shocking to me. I am hoping that I am a good mom--that I can raise him to be a good person & to have a strong relationship with the Lord. I have read the book "Shepherding a Child's Heart" & hope to be able to follow the advice of this book in raising him. For quite some time now I have prayed daily to be a better wife & be more appreciative of my husband (things weren't bad & I wasn't not appreciative, just wanting God's best) & it has really taken our marriage to a whole new level that we both are thrilled with. I am now also praying daily that I can be a better mom & step=mom & instill the ways of the Lord into my children.

I'm done rambling for now............

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